I've seen a few interesting trends when looking at job listings. The terms contained in a job listing can be an important window into the challenges inside a company.

I've noticed that a high percentage of tech job listings seem to be seeking only people who thrive on high pressure, super-fast-paced environments chock-full of challenges - but then, it may be because I have been seeing a lot of listings for small companies or start-ups lately.

Translation: Someone in the organization screwed up big time. We aren't going to spend one nanosecond trying to analyze this so we can learn from it.

Translation: You aren't allowed to raise that issue. It's in the past! Hakuna Matata!

Oh, this is one of my favorites. Yes, we hire only the best. The Crème de la Crème. The top people.

All year long, you hear that you are the best of the best! That you are a member of an elite team, and don't you forget it.

Then, all of a sudden, at review time, you find out that - since you are surrounded by uber-geniuses - you are just fucking average.

You're graded on a curve, bub. So, since you are an average member of an elite crew, you get an average performance review, and the average pay increase to go with it.

In fact, when you do the math, you find out that your increase is slightly less than the true rate of inflation (not the fantasy number the government spews forth from time to time) - since you bought into the bullshit, you probably live in an area that's just crawling with others like you, some of whom make a lot more money, all competing for limited housing, cars, fuel, lattes, collagen injections, micro-dermabrasion, pet therapists, and numerous other things that people in most other parts of the country just aren't buying. Your pay increase might just about cover the increased commute expense due to the latest pipline failure, refinery fire, or regulation-induced increase.

Farked managers use many common words to obfuscate the true meaning of the conversation. in that spirit, we present this short guide to commonly-abused words.

Word: Associate
Translation: Grunt

Word: opportunity
Translation: problem!

Word: estimate
Translation: wild-assed-guess

Word: schedule
Translation: fantasy

Word: team
Translation: the people who follow my orders

Word: teamwork

In general, when you hear this from your manager, you are in trouble. Rest assured this one is gonna come up in your annual performance review. I've heard this one from my manager a few times in my career (last time was many years ago.) The farked manager was trying to get me to cover his ass because he'd committed to a delivery date without checking with the crew. Oops!

Translation: I'm pissed at you because you didn't do something that I wanted done. Now you're gonna pay.

Translation: I forgot to tell you about a critical task, and now my ass is in a sling. Time for you to knuckle down, bucko.